It’s one of those days when I go back through files of emails and “sexual issues” survey results from the precious people who read my stuff. How my heart goes out to those dealing with sexual issues in their marriage.
I am always struck between the aching words of those who are suffering with low sex drive,
“How can I find the desire to be sexual again?” contrasted with the pain of the people married to them,
“How can I help my spouse understand that sex really is important to me?”
Just last week my husband and I were commenting on how alive our sex life is compared to the years when it was pretty pitiful.
Paul’s face showed a surprising look of disgust as he said, “Yeah, even when we did it back then, it was like you couldn’t wait to get it over with.”
Ouch. I hadn’t realized it was that painful to him, or that I really acted like that. Sometimes I wish I could go back in time and do things over. But honestly I had no idea what to do. I certainly wasn’t withholding sex as a power trip.
I had no clue where my sex drive had gone.
I still can’t speak for everyone, but I can say that over the last decade I sure have learned a lot – about my self, about the human body and about the power of our thoughts, emotions and beliefs. I’ve even been able to help lots of people enjoy their marriage intimacy again.
Here’s some things I know for sure about recovering lost libido.
1. Your future is not dependent on your past
Just because things have gone badly again and again, and you are feeling betrayed by your own body, anything can change. Our reality is determined much more by our beliefs than by our experiences themselves. We can change the meaning we give to our experiences and realize change in an instant. Things are not usually as they appear.
2. Your hormones are greatly affected by your thoughts.
I thought for years that this was the other way around – that no matter what, we are at the mercy of our hormones. Not true. We can strengthen our hormone balance through our thoughts, as well as through a healthy lifestyle. We are not meant to be sick, tired, overweight, and stressed out. The biggest sex hormone really is between our ears. Learn to relax and get in touch with your senses.
3. Women need to feel sexy in order to get aroused.
Scientists have pointed out that the female human being is the only species that is aroused by her own pheromones. That means that how we feel about ourselves is critical to the quality of our sex life. A tip for the men then, is to understand your wife’s love language and communicate her sexiness in a way that means something to her. Hint – if sex is all about you then you won’t get very much of it.
4. Self-acceptance is a huge key to feeling sexy
Though it is great when our spouse contributes to our sexual confidence, the fact is that we can offer all the acceptance and worthiness we need for great sex. YOU deserve to enjoy sensual pleasure because you were designed for it. When you can acknowledge your imperfections and your emotions about them, you can choose an empowering response instead. For example, instead of thinking you are overweight and therefore don’t “deserve” great sex, you can decide that you are perfect and powerful, and your partner is lucky to enjoy such perfect pleasure with you. With that attitude you can relax right into an orgasm (or two or three.)
5. Fear is a killer of sexual energy but love drives out fear
When we fear sexual failure, we put pressure on ourselves and often create self-fulfilling prophecies. When we fear a lousy sexual encounter with our mate, we shut down instead of speaking up. When we come from a place of love however, we can look at our mate and let love overtake our fear and dread. There is a reason its called “making love.” The more you do it, the more loving it feels. And love is the most powerful force in the universe.
6. Your sexual energy can be unblocked in a few moments
Coming back to tip #1, just because things have gone badly in the past, does not mean you will be stuck in a bad pattern forever. Your experiences have likely resulted in a conditioned response that I now call “stuck energy.” When I learned how to breathe deeply and literally tap into the energy of love and arousal everything changed in an instant. You can tap into this energy too.
I will be talking more about that in the days to come. That’s what the Sexy Marriage Solution is all about. For now though, just breathe deeply and wallow in love and acceptance, from your toes to your nose. The more you do, the better your mate will look as well. It’s a mysterious paradox of grace.
I believe in you!
Gina Parris is an international speaker, performance coach, wife, mother of four, and a champion for the Sexy Marriage. She is dedicated to helping people heal their sexual and relational issues. Throughout the past 28 years, Gina has served on staff of several large churches and encouraged thousands of people -privately, in groups, through television, radio and other media. She also speaks to organizations on topics dealing with home and work balance. Gina combines the best of Sports Psychology, Energy Therapy and Biblical promises to help people enjoy a Love Life marked by victory.