We’ve been talking about building marriage intimacy and they keys to better married sex. One key is to feel good about sex itself. For many people that means getting over sexual aversion.
When I first got married twenty something years ago, I was really looking forward to a great sex life. We waited until the wedding night and we had an exciting honeymoon. We made mad passionate love every day. I figured it would be that way forever. However, before long low sex drive and recurring arguments around my desire made it almost impossible to get aroused. I definitely know what it’s like to cry over low sex drive.
Perhaps that’s why I feel so compassionate towards the gals who write in about their struggles with marriage, intimacy, sex and learning to love it all.
Jo ann says, “I believe that making love is a gift from God, but the idea of giving oral sex just grosses me out. The smells, flavors and fluids literally cause a gag reflex – and that’s before I even get started.
Heidi says, “I loved sex with my husband before we got married. It seemed so dangerous and naughty. Now my libido is just gone and I resent the pressure to do it when I’m not in the mood. I do feel guilty for leaving him frustrated, but I also feel guilty for going against our personal convictions that sex belongs inside marriage.”
Then there are the men who experience such performance anxiety and failure to stay hard that they retreat sexually.
Jeff says, “It’s easier to simply make it a solo act than an act of marriage – when it is so humiliating.”
For every person who has sexual aversion, there is a story and a belief. These beliefs about sex and sexuality are shaped by
- Religious views
- Messages from parents, like “Just DON’T do it.”
- Messages from the media
- Early sexual experiences
- Subconscious triggers between relationship issues and sexual arousal
What if you truly want to feel good about sex? What if you want to be free to be totally connected to your spouse, emotionally, physically and spiritually in the marriage bed? How can you change such a strong pattern?
Well, first of all, know that there’s hope. It seems totally unrelated, but if you’ve ever found yourself enjoying any food that you hated as a child, than you can also change your sexual appetite as well.
1. Awareness is the first step towards change
Most of the time we don’t truly tune in to our self-talk. We just walk around with uncomfortable feelings – or we work to avoid such discomfort.
So getting aware of what you really think, feel and believe is a huge first step.
2. Write down your thoughts about sex and your sexuality
I think sex is…
In order for sex to be great I should…
In order for sex to happen my spouse needs to…
My earliest sexual experiences taught me…
My greatest fear when it comes to sexual intimacy is…
My best sexual encounter was…
My spiritual beliefs about sex are that…
I might like sex better if…
3. Acknowledge all your beliefs and emotions both positive and negative because on some level they are trying to serve you. Embrace that part of your self.
When sex is a place of conflict than we tend to get angry at our own responses, or at our mate for triggering them. We can never change a habit without first getting rid of the guilt associated with it. This includes a habit of negative thoughts beliefs and emotions.
4. Challenge your dis-empowering beliefs and memories
If some of these beliefs no longer serve you – than ask your self if it’s something you can release. Ask where you learned it. Forgive the “teacher,” and forgive your self.
Think about ways to re-remember past memories. If trauma was involved, then work with someone skilled in healing past memories.
We cannot change the past, but we can change the meaning we give to past events, and so transform our current reality.
5. Consider New Empowering Beliefs
Look again at any old beliefs you may have about sex that no longer serve you. Then next to them, write a new and improved way of looking at things.
You may decide for example:
“I was made for pleasure and I’m open to all he joys of giving and receiving pleasure through sex with my lover.”
“I am capable and worthy of a sizzling sexy love life right now.”
“Making love to my spouse is a great way to reduce stress and feel great.”
“I love every inch of my body and I love my spouse’s body – inside and out.”
Did you know that your words have power to literally change your chemistry? Instead of speaking negatively and just “telling it like it is,” make a point of speaking new life into your situation. You can call those things that are not (the beliefs and reality you desire) as though they were. It’s not lying; it’s how you begin to change to receive the blessings that are waiting for you.
What other mindset tips or questions do you have regarding marriage intimacy, married sex and sexual aversion? Share your thoughts below.
Gina Parris is an international speaker, performance coach, wife, mother of four, and a champion for the Sexy Marriage. She is dedicated to helping people heal their sexual and relational issues. Throughout the past 28 years, Gina has served on staff of several large churches and encouraged thousands of people -privately, in groups, through television, radio and other media. She also speaks to organizations on topics dealing with home and work balance. Gina combines the best of Sports Psychology, Energy Therapy and Biblical promises to help people enjoy a Love Life marked by victory.