by Kim Olver
Today’s guest post is from Winning At Romance expert Kim Olver, author of Secrets of Happy Couples. She can be found at www.therelationshipcenter.biz as well as at our Love and Sex Summit, which is on sale now: www.sexysummit.com
One of the biggest problems in relationships is unmet expectations. Often two people who come together in a marriage bring with them a lot of undiscussed expectations of what it will be like to be married. The roles of the wife and husband are formed from what we observed in our own homes growing up. Because these values and beliefs are so much a part of the culture of our own families, often it doesn’t occur to us that anyone could think differently. Because it’s so much a part of who we are, we often don’t even consider it’s something that should be discussed.
Let’s take Valentine’s Day, for instance. If you were raised in an environment where Valentine’s Day was very special or you’ve bought into the media’s portrayal of what couples should do on Valentine’s Day, then you would have very high expectations about what should happen on that day.
Now, imagine in your spouse’s home, Valentine’s Day was treated just like any other day. Nothing special happened there and your spouse resents the media pressure to take a particular day to express his love to you. Can you see where this dynamic may cause a problem?
If you are a person who suffers chronically from unmet expectations of Valentine’s Day, then you have five options this year.
- You can keep doing what you always do, hoping for a different result and you will most likely keep being disappointed.
- You could trade your partner in on someone else. (This is an option I advise people to save for last after trying the other ones because once you choose it, it is difficult to go back.)
- You could decide to be your own Valentine this year, treating yourself exactly how you wish your spouse would treat you on this special day.
- You can accept the situation for what it is. You and your spouse have different expectations of the day. Once you accept this, then you can work on finding the positive side to doing nothing special for Valentine’s Day e.g. no big bills to pay for later, you don’t have to go out in the cold, you can focus on whatever you want to do that evening etc.
- You can communicate your expectations to your spouse. Tell him what you are hoping for on Valentine’s Day. Many people appreciate a very clear picture being painted of what they are supposed to do. Write them the script.
I know many of you reading are thinking, if I have to tell him what to do, then it doesn’t count. He needs to figure it out on his own. Trust me, your spouse is NOT a mind reader! And anticipating your every need, hope and whim is not the measure you want to use to determine how much he loves you. You’ll be disappointed every time.
If your partner frequently disappoints, then spell out the expectations. You might be surprised how willing he is to oblige your fantasy. You could decide to exchange fantasies. Start by asking, “What’s the one thing I could do for you this Valentine’s Day that would show you how much I love you?”
Often we give the gift we would want for ourselves instead of giving what our partner would want. Perhaps all your spouse wants is a nice home cooked meal or an hour alone to watch the news uninterrupted. Perhaps he has a sexual fantasy he’d like fulfilled. If you are going to honestly ask the question, then be sure to follow through on delivery. Hopefully, your spouse will reciprocate with asking you the same question and if he does, give him an honest answer about what you really want to make the day special. If it seems you want totally opposite experiences, then see if you can negotiate a way for you to each have what you want so you both win.
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