Question: My husband is just an unhappy person. He sits around moaning about his headaches, and being angry at everybody. The kids and I walk on eggshells around him so as to not upset him more. I know I should feel sorry for him, but I’m just tired of being pushed away and made to feel like an idiot. How can I stay happy in this house? I find myself just wanting away from him.
A. It sounds like your husband is definitely in some pain. Whether unconsciously or not, it tends to be true that “hurting people hurt people.” When you are the one being hurt, it’s easy to feel like a victim. Then you have a house full of victims. Yikes! How can step out of that downward spiral and stay happy in your own house? Start by refusing to take his actions personally. These Three steps will also help:
1. Speak blessings over him. You can’t control your husbands emotions, behavior or headaches, but you can control your responses. You can bless him with your thoughts and words, or you can curse him. Since he is already feeling cursed, and probably cursing all sorts of things around him, try speaking blessings.
How? Quietly. In silence and to yourself when you look at him say,
“I bless you. I bless you. I bless you.”
That word literally means that you are imparting happiness, strength and favor to him.
I know it feels like you’re speaking from an empty tank, but that is not the truth. You are a tree planted by rivers of living water. You have no shortage of access to abundance.
Then start getting more specific: “I bless you with strength and favor. I bless you with a joyful heart. I bless you with a heart of wisdom and understanding. I bless you with good health and great friendships. I bless you with abundant prosperity.”
Whether he is on the couch in front of you, in a different room, or at your home while you are in your car – visualizing him and speaking blessings will at the very least change your state, but will probably help him feel better too. There is amazing power in our thought and words. If you think about blessings long enough, it wont be long until words of blessing overflow from your heart.
2. Set a “Complaining Radar.” The most natural thing to do is to look at a person whose behavior irritates us, and talk about the irritation. “All you do is moan on the couch all day and make us walk on eggshells!”
Even if you don’t say those words directly to your spouse, its easy to get caught up into the reverie of giving him a piece of your mind! In fact, the more you practice, the better and meaner your words get. Or its easy to call a friend up so your misery can enjoy some company. When you do that you are essentially speaking curses.
You may object to this idea, saying, “No I’m not speaking curses, I’m just telling it like it is!” Well those words are the opposite of blessing, so to get the results you want, I suggest you stop focusing on what is and declare what you desire.
Faith calls those things that are not as though they were.
So, ask God to stop you in your tracks when you start to complain about your mate. In fact, learn to stop the minute you begin to complain about anything. There is no way to be happy and to complain at the same time!
3. Soothe your own heart. The reason we get so offended by other people’s actions, is because we are looking to them to provide a feeling for us that they can’t deliver.
So a great question to ask is, “What feeling am I needing from this person and how can I find it in myself?”
One day a king named David (before he was actually King) came back to his camp with all his fighting men and all their wives and children had been kidnapped by the enemy. David’s comrades were so angry they wanted to kill him. This was a bad day! Everybody cried until they had no strength left to cry anymore.
Finally David got up and “encouraged himself in the Lord.” After that he got supernatural leading and recovered all their loved ones.
People will never fulfill the aches of our heart. Learn to encourage your self. You are already the apple of God’s eye. You are loved beyond measure. You have everything you need, and supernatural guidance is on its way.
I know there is no easy “happy button” to press in a stressed out environment, but your husband wants hope that he won’t always feel like this as well. Consider yourself a conduit of hope and realize that you are much more powerful than you feel.
Gina Parris is an international speaker, performance coach, wife, mother of four, and a champion for the Sexy Marriage. She is dedicated to helping people heal their sexual and relational issues. Throughout the past 28 years, Gina has served on staff of several large churches and encouraged thousands of people -privately, in groups, through television, radio and other media. She also speaks to organizations on topics dealing with home and work balance. Gina combines the best of Sports Psychology, Energy Therapy and Biblical promises to help people enjoy a Love Life marked by victory.