Help! I Have No Sexual Confidence

by Gina Parris

HELP-I Have No Sexual Confidence
(Q and A with Gina Parris)

Photo credit: anitapatterson from
The following is part of an email that came in with permission to blog.
Gina I have been listening to the Sexy Summit audios as well as the Sexy Marriage Radio podcasts.

I have taken to heart what was said about having confidence come from within instead of relying on it to come from hubby or other people. I feel I am getting a better grasp of the right response towards beautiful people in the world, however, I have come to realize how intense my insecurity becomes when hubby initiates or even when I do.

My mind and body have become so good at shutting down my desire that I thought for so long it didn’t even exist. Now I know it is there but need to work getting past some things like the anxiety, comparison and jealousy I have about his previous lovers. I know in my head that he chose to marry me and not them, but I can’t stand being intimate with him due to wondering if he thinks of them at all, either because they did similar acts together or that she was much better and he wishes I were more like her. I don’t know any details of their acts, just knowing who and when they dated tears me up inside.

I crave non-sexual touch, but often end up guarding myself from it to prevent it leading anywhere sexual. I hate the way he kisses. He is very aggressive, kisses hard. I read the blog on HHH about kissing... his favorite is to have my head tipped all the way to side with overly wet open mouth, ugh, it is suffocating and gross, but he gets hard instantly when I comply. I prefer soft, nibbling kisses, he feels I am not trying hard enough nor is he turned on by this type of kissing.

Although he has never given me any reason to doubt his love or desire to be with me, I am unable to give all of myself and my heart. I can’t TRUST enough to put it all out there (just in case he changes his mind and regrets choosing me).

…It is crazy that we have the same two highest love languages in common but can’t seem to get through a weekend without hurting each others feelings or feeling distant.

That is why I was searching for help. Our marriage is important to both of us.

-Grossed- out in Greenville

Dear Grossed-out,

Thank you so much for your heartfelt pursuit of solutions here. I am confident that when we pursue answers, we find them – or they elegantly appear.  Hooray for you realizing that beneath all those emotions you really do still have a sex drive. Yeah!

You want to be free to love yourself unconditionally – to be free from judgment and the fear of not being good enough.

You want to love your husband unconditionally (Though it would be great if he’d learn how to kiss kindly, for heaven’s sakes. C’MON MAN!!)

Unfortunately safest way for your body to deal with those dreadful images is to remove the possibility of rejection.

“I might not be good enough – therefore I won’t even give myself the ability to get burned.” This is more a subconscious than rational thought – but the way your body shuts down is the result.  It’s pure fight, flight or flee, stress response in action from your amygdala. So breathe deep, relax and focus on being safe as you deal with your thoughts.

1. About Those tormenting images:

When you think about the past, you apply this meaning: Hey what if I’m not good enough, and he really wishes he was with her or her? (This is also why porn makes many women furious. It raises the same questions in women. In reality – the biggest fantasy for a man is the thought that him woman is into HIM – and wildly enjoying their sexual encounters.)

What to do:

Go  to that “theater of the mind” as Maxwell Maltz called it. He’s the father of sports psychology – but this technique is effective everywhere. You are already visiting that theater every time you imagine such distressing scenarios.

Pull out the “films” that you dread – the imagined acts, and mentally manipulate the pictures. Make the image quality really bad, black & white and scratchy with horrible, annoying sound. See the screen shrink to the size of a postage stamp where you can barely see anything at all. See the woman turn into a disgusted old Wilma Flinstone… (Hey, it’s your movie!) See your husband longing for the day you come into his life and share something real. Replace the images with the best time you ever had with your husband and celebrate that part of you.

Tell yourself, “I am sexy and happy – and my body loves being loved! I AM the woman of his dreams.”

Remember a huge part of being a happy wife – is a strong self-concept. Go to that theater often to envision your dream life, your accomplished goals, your past victories, your best moments. See the hand of God on your life & marriage – however that plays out to you.

2. Regarding non-sexual touch:

This is the number 1 complaint from women.

If you want it, go after it, especially in a non-sexual environment:

In the kitchen before he goes to work. In the TV room while a commercial is on. In the living room while you watch the kids play…

“Hey I need a hug. I love to just feel your strength for a moment.”

And hug until you are relaxed. Then share a kiss.

(Guys: HUG UNTIL RELAXED! A stiff, one-second hug is like that tongue-down-the-throat-kiss to an un-aroused wife. Yuck! S…l…o…w  D…o…w…n and vary your kissing menu!)

The more you challenge your limiting beliefs around your self, your husband, your past, your present, your future, the more you can run with freedom towards your God-given destiny. Focus on what you do want, not on what is broken.

If you have a question you’d like answered on the blog, send an email to Gina @ WinningAtRomance. Com

Gina Parris is an international speaker, performance coach, wife, mother of four, and a champion for the Sexy Marriage. She is dedicated to helping people heal their sexual and relational issues. Throughout the past 28 years, Gina has served on staff of several large churches and encouraged thousands of people -privately, in groups, through television, radio and other media. She also speaks to organizations on topics dealing with home and work balance. Gina combines the best of Sports Psychology, Energy Therapy and Biblical promises to help people enjoy a Love Life marked by victory.

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