Drive-Thru Sex: The Quickie -

By J at HotHolyHumorous

In her 29 Days to Great Sex series, Sheila Gregoire posted Quickies Are Great! I agree.

What is a quickie? According to Dictionary.com, it’s simply “a hurried sexual encounter.” A quickie can be any sexual encounter — intercourse, oral sex, hand job, etc. — that occurs in a brief span of time. Personally, I would break down sexual encounters as follows:

Extended lovemaking = 5-star restaurant. Most of us don’t go out to posh restaurants all of the time. Those five-course meals that pamper our palate are a treat we enjoy on special occasions.

Usual sex = Family restaurant. This is the place in our neighborhood where we know the menu, have a few favorites, and enjoy an hour or so of good dining. Nothing fancy, but definitely satisfying.
Quickie = Drive-thru. Pick a fast food place, get it on the go, and eat fast. Not recommended as a standard for meals but sates the hunger and can be yummy.

Just like passing through your McDonald’s or Taco Bell drive-thru, there are some things to remember when approaching the Quickie.

Make up your mind quickly. This ain’t a white-tablecloth restaurant where the suited server will wait for as long as you wish to peruse the menu before ordering. You drive up, glance at the menu choices, and lean over to the speaker to order. If you try taking 12 minutes to figure out what you want, you may end up with a traffic jam of angry drivers behind you honking their horns and yelling.

Likewise, if you and your spouse want to have a quickie, decide fast what you mean. Are you performing a hand job for him? Will you have intercourse? Is orgasm a must for you? Keep the expectations clear for what you’re doing so you can enjoy it for what it is. If you try taking 12 minutes to figure out what you want, you may end up with a traffic jam of needy children knocking at your door and yelling.

Speak up clearly. Those drive-thru speakers are not exactly high tech. If you want your order to arrive with some semblance of what you want, you’d better speak loudly and enunciate. You don’t want the attendant hearing “pies” when you said “fries.”

With the Quickie, you must also speak up clearly. This is no time to be patient while hubby slowly strokes the area around where you want to be touched until 10 minutes later he finds the spot. Speak up! Move his hand and say things like, “Right here feels good” or “That’s the spot.” Tell him if something hurts, feels good, or would be better another way. If you want this experience to be a satisfying one, you have to speak up so he can get the order right.

Be prepared for grease. Despite the inclusion of salads on many fast-food menus, let’s face it: Most drive-thru food is greasy. The foods are fried in oil, slathered in butter, or have a naturally high content of fat. You know that going in, so you aren’t surprised when you bite into that battered chicken strip and juices seep out.

Bring out the grease with the Quickie too! In other words, lubrication is key. Have your Astroglide, KY jelly, or coconut oil ready to go. If you’re doing a hand job, I’ve actually referred to it as a lube job because you’ll need to add lots of lubricant. For intercourse, most wives take a substantial amount of time to become “wet” enough for penetration. You likely won’t have time with a Quickie, so get the lubricant out and start with it.

Eat quickly. Um, yeah. Not going to describe this one.

Leave satisfied. Admittedly it’s not the dining experience I’m going to write a magazine review about, but I like some drive-thru food. It sates my hunger. It fills my tummy. It hits the spot.

The Quickie should not be the go-to sexual encounter in marriage, but it definitely has its place. There simply are times when longer intimate experiences are not possible (see The Maintenance Plan for more on that). You’re at the in-laws, your children are young and need regular supervision, your work schedules don’t match up, or whatever. You wouldn’t go without food simply because you don’t have time to make it a three-course meal. In the same way, your marriage need not go without sex because time is currently in short supply. The Quickie can sate your hunger and hit the spot.

One more tip: Build anticipation before you drive through. It will be much easier to enjoy that Quickie if you and hubby are flirting and doing small things for one another throughout the day. You won’t have much time for foreplay with the Quickie, so your foreplay is all of those things you do with and for each other outside of the bedroom. If you invest in your friendship, affection, and desire for one another, it can be a smoother transition to your hubby looking at you and saying, “Quick, let’s have sex!” The Quickie will become a brief physical expression of the longer experiences of deep love you’ve had outside the bedroom.

After writing all of that, I’m hungry now. I’m not going to tell you what for, though.

What do you think of the Quickie? Got any tips for others?

Note: The following article was written by my friend, Gregory Blake. I loved it when I first read it on his Rated G. Romance Blog as well as at his newest project WeFulness.com (The intersection of heart and mind.) I love how he applied this brain science to the topic of marriage and divorce. What do you think?

-Gina Parris

How Leaving the Door Open for Divorce Leads to Marital Dissatisfaction

by Gregory Blake

August 14, 2011 in Science with 1 Comment

When asked if there is a trick to staying married as long as we have (28 years as I write this), I’ve been known to reply “Don’t get divorced.” My family heritage and faith emphasize marriage as a commitment and I must admit that at times I’ve felt apologetic and counter-cultural for carrying on that stance. My younger friends are just as likely to say things like, “It’s OK. If it doesn’t work out, we can just get divorced. No biggee.” Obviously, if you know you have a choice in the matter from the start, you’ll feel less trapped and happier, right?

Wrong. According to Daniel Gilbert (Department of Psychology at Harvard University), “The psychological immune system works best when we are totally stuck, when we are trapped.”

The following TED talk is not a talk specifically about relationships, rather choices and happiness, but the implications are huge.

See if you agree with implications for marriage that I extrapolated from the video. They include:

1) Go into your marriage expecting to be stuck there forever if you want to synthesize happiness in your marriage. Being stuck is what engenders thoughts like:  “The one I got is really better than I thought! That other one I didn’t get sucks!”

As stated,  ”the reversible condition” – in the context of marriage, the possibility of divorce – “is not conducive to the synthesis of happiness.”

2) “Synthetic happiness is real.” If people tell you that you are looking at your marriage through rose-coloured glasses – of being a Pollyanna - they may be right. But it generally doesn’t matter because sythetic happiness really is as valid as found, rational happiness.

The exception to this would obviously be a situation where there is abuse. In this case, it is also important to know that our happiness may indeed be overstated at our own expense.

The Adam Smith quote used is very deep and applies here. “”The great source of both the misery and disorders of human life seems to arise from overrating the difference between one permanent situation and another … Some of these situations may, no doubt, deserve to be preferred to others, but none of them can deserve to be pursued with that passionate ardor which drives us to violate the rules either of prudence or of justice, or to corrupt the future tranquility of our minds, either by shame from the remembrance of our own folly, or by remorse for the horror of our own injustice.”

3. I will think twice before using the words “Have you considered divorce?” It follows from the research that planting the idea of divorce as a choice may actually decrease the listener’s happiness in their existing marriage.

4. The time to carefully choose a mate is before, not after, you are married. I like Dr. Gilberts comment “I mean, you go out on a date with a guy, and he picks his nose; you don’t go out on another date. You’re married to a guy and he picks his nose? Yeah, he has a heart of gold; don’t touch the fruitcake. Right? You find a way to be happy with what’s happened.”

5. It may be a corollary that at those times in our life when contemplating the possibly of choice is the highest, our satisfaction in our marriage will be the lowest. Think about some of the stereotypical times when people divorce (eg. when the kids move out, key “middle age” birthdays, or when a spouse is seriously ill). I have always thought that people consider a change of spouse because they are unsatisfied with their marriage, but maybe that is backwards! Maybe sometimes we become unsatisfied with our marriage because we are considering other alternatives. (Aside: Finding flaws in our heartmate is a common characteristic of “withdrawing” partners during marital distress.)

The video is well worth the listen whether or not you see in it what I did. I am still digesting the implications.

—

For more information:

The key study referenced in the video:
Decisions and revisions: The affective forecasting of changeable outcomes.
Gilbert, Daniel T.; Ebert, Jane E. J.
Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, Vol 82(4), Apr 2002, 503-514. doi:10.1037/0022-3514.82.4.503

I just wanted to share with my readers a pretty cool article that was written about me in the Huffington Post. I am flattered to be called “The Tim Tebow of Performance Coaching and Sex.” haha If you’ve ever really wondered what exactly I do, than the author got it quite clear here,  the Good, the Bad and the Weird.

I’d love for you to head over to the Huffington Post and check it out. You might also be interested to connect with the author, Phil Shepherd, the Whiskey Preacher. Or he may offend the heck out of you. I don’t know. I happen to love his heart!

Anyway, this feels like a very self-serving post, so I’ll keep it short.

As always,

I believe in you!

Gina

This week I saw a tweet on Twitter from a very well known marriage guru that said this:

“It’s very difficult if not impossible to communicate when you are angry.”

I noticed that several people had retweeted him, apparently as a sign of agreement.

But hold on a minute. Really?

It’s impossible to communicate when you’re angry? Then what do those slammed doors, raised voices, angry looks or silent treatment all mean? They mean you are angry, you’re feeling it and you’re communicating it!

In fact, it’s impossible NOT to communicate, whether you are angry or otherwise.

Perhaps the missing word to that sentence was, “effectively.”

This might be more true:

“It is difficult to communicate effectively when you are angry.”

Even then, I don’t necessarily agree. What’s so horrible about anger? It is a legitimate emotion.

What if the reason it’s so difficult to communicate when we’re angry is because we’ve never learned how to do it?

Sally’s husband Kevin was acting so irritable and short-tempered that she was beside herself with dismay. But she knew this behavior was not his norm, and it had to stop.  During one of Kevin’s verbal outbursts, Sally was able to stay calm, despite her pounding heart and rising blood pressure.

Standing her ground, she calmly asked,

“What in the world is going on with you? I know it’s not me who deserves to be treated like this. Calm down and I’ll be here if you want to talk.”

(This was a huge victory for Sally, who would normally react with equal rage.)

Sally sat down and focused on breathing and not bursting into tears. Slowly Kevin began to calm down as he sat near her and started thinking. He was not sure why he had gotten so angry but he was able to tell her things that were going on at work. With his face softening and his voice quieting he said,

“They just fired Scott, who is one of the smartest guys at the office. It’s disgusting. I think they just chose him because someone’s head needed to roll and he was the cheapest guy to cut. He certainly was not the source of the problems we’re facing. I feel zero job security right now.”

With apology in his face he looked at her and said,

“I think I am really stressed, and I’m sorry for losing my temper.”

Suddenly Sally felt deep compassion for Kevin. She understood both his fears and his emotions, which made his outburst a bit more forgivable and understandable, even if not excusable.

Kevin appreciated her support as he dealt with new stressors at work, knowing that his home life was a place of encouragement. They both became stronger by communicating effectively when their anger was triggered.

Some tips when dealing with anger:

1. Acknowledge your own anger and take some time honor your emotions. Just because someone else’s actions trigger our anger response, does not mean we have to stay in that place. We don’t have to take their actions personally or enter into their negative energy.

2. See if there is a fear beneath the anger. Ultimately there is fear and there is love. Love is greater, it can drive out fear and turn anger completely around. Forgive your self and forgive your mate and strengthen your faith.

3. If you do act out of anger and create hurt feelings, apologize! If your feelings were hurt, forgive.

It is possible to communicate effectively when you are angry. Indeed it may one of the most important times to do so!

Please share your ideas below. How do you handle anger when it arises in your house?

I mentioned recently that I am inspired to become a more generous wife.  Not only that, but in the days since I wrote those words, I turned 45.

FORTY FIVE!!

For a few moments on my birthday I had a bit of a mid-life crises, realizing that when the next 45 years are over I’ll be really getting old. Then I pulled myself together and decided that this year I’ll just age backwards.

As we celebrate each day, it’s amazing how good life becomes. Also, in honor of 45 years,  I compiled 45 ways to be a “kind and generous Lover.” This is a his and hers list, so please add to it in the comments section.

45 Ways to be a Kind and Generous Lover (in and OUT of the Bedroom):

1. Wear something cute – ditch the frumpies and don some clothes that you know your mate admires you in

 2. Wear something sexy – you know under your clothes, that says, “I’m thinking of you and how sexy I feel with you.”

3. Smell good – on purpose

 4. Bring home dinner – something that everybody loves that is not expected

 5. Say “thank you” for those every day kindnesses that ARE expected.  Be specific and say it with a hug and kiss.

 6. De-clutter your bedroom and light some candles so it feels like a love-shack

 7. Send a sincere compliment via text message

8. Learn how to give an incredible massage, either an erotic one, or a muscle-relaxing one (or both)

 9. Buy a massage table and use it!

 10. Slow down during lovemaking and be completely present

 11.  Clean the bathroom if you’re not normally the one who does it.

 12. Take the kids for a few hours so she can relax

 13.  Watch his favorite game with him and really get into it

 14. Buy her some flowers for no particular reason at all

 15. Look her in the eyes and smile from across the room.

 16. Detail your mate’s car while they’re at work (or just fill their gas tank)

 17. Practice the 10-second kiss early in the day

 18. Revive an old inside joke

 19. Flirt with your spouse as if you just met

 20. Leave love notes where they’ll be found at random times (make them funny or sexy)

 21. Plan a night out with all the details covered – especially if you’re the one who rarely plans this

 22. Make a new song list of favorite love songs and burn them to a CD for their car

 23. Buy a tasteful new lovemaking resource-guide and try out 3 ideas

 24. Make the coffee or tea in the morning, just the way your mate loves it

25. Stop by his office and leave a gift on his desk, if he’s available, give a warm hug and kiss

26. Do the dishes, in just an apron (unless your kids are around)

27.  Pray with her

 28. Leave a small gift on the driver’s seat of her car while she’s at work

29. Cuddle on the couch with her while you watch a chick-flick, but stay engaged when it’s over

30. If you are the lower desire spouse, be the initiator of a great night of sex

 31. If you are the higher desire spouse, practice non-sexual affection

32. Write a love-letter on pretty stationary, or in a beautiful card

33. Buy something new for their favorite hobby

 34. Pack a picnic and get away together

 35. Condition yourself to be even more attracted to your mate

 36. Buy an extra case of your spouse’s favorite drink for the fridge, whether it’s Red Bull or a specialty micro-brew.

 37. Cook their favorite meal and have it ready when they come home

 38. Tell him how glad you are that you married him

 39. Call her up just to say “I love you!”

 40. Try asking, “Is there anything I can do that would help you today?”

 41. Get a babysitter to enjoy a romantic evening at home

 42. Stop by a travel agent and pick up catalogs of beautiful dream destinations and book a trip

 43. Make a special dessert and put a candle in it to celebrate your love

44. Go for a walk and hold hands

45. Make a video expressing your love and gratitude. I use Animoto because it’s easy enough for even me.

This list could go on forever, but I’m curious on YOUR input. What are some ways to demonstrate love and generosity that would mean something to your lover?  Please share below.

I believe in you!

Gina Parris

Several years ago, Paul and I were flipping through the television channels when we stopped on the opening scenes from Anna and the King starring Jody Foster.

As the king’s harem is singing and dancing, one experienced concubine comforts a new “recruit?” who is frightened to be there, and who obviously is in love with someone else. The senior concubine coos, “Don’t be afraid. The King is a kind and generous lover!”

For some reason this struck both Paul and me as very funny and we both burst out laughing. Paul repeated the line a few more times in his best Dustin Hoffman -as -Rain Man interpretation, “I’m a very kind and generous lover. I’m a very kind and generous lover.”

Somehow the line has lasted among our bedroom chuckles. “Oh my king, you are such a kind and generous lover!”

Anyway, fast forward to a new study that shows alas – if you want to be a king or queen in your castle (or perhaps your bedroom) -then generosity is perhaps the magical element. Surely kindness is a given, right?

Note: This does not mean I’m advocating acquiring a harem nor joining one. It just means that we might want to see what we can discover here. On the other hand, part of me says, “Really? We needed a study to tell us this?”

Let’s see…

As encapsulated in The New York Times the findings indicated:

Researchers from the University of Virginia’s National Marriage Project recently studied the role of generosity in the marriages of 2,870 men and women. Generosity was defined as “the virtue of giving good things to one’s spouse freely and abundantly” — like simply making them coffee in the morning — and researchers quizzed men and women on how often they behaved generously toward their partners. How often did they express affection? How willing were they to forgive?

The responses went right to the core of their unions. Men and women with the highest scores on the generosity scale were far more likely to report that they were “very happy” in their marriages. The benefits of generosity were particularly pronounced among couples with children. Among the parents who posted above-average scores for marital generosity, about 50 percent reported being “very happy” together. Among those with lower generosity scores, only about 14 percent claimed to be “very happy,” according to the latest “State of Our Unions” report from the National Marriage Project.

So, is generosity more important than sex for becoming “very happy” in marriage?

Well, it turned out that the top three predictors of marital happiness, at least among those couples with children was:

1. Sex

2. Commitment

3. Generosity

I am not sure these findings are truly accurate though, are you?

It fails to answer this question: What if the bedroom were the ultimate display room for generosity?

After all, if you or your mate is stingy in bed, is that a sex issue or a generosity issue? If one is always withholding sex because she or he is just “not in the mood,” is that being generous? Surely not. That is a symptom of a generosity issue.

In other words, some sexual issues are simply selfishness issues. I am convinced that selfishness, not hatred or even apathy, is the opposite of love. Love gives by the virtue of what it is – a Divine attribute. God is love. God so loved he gave.

It’s been said that you can give without loving, but it’s impossible to love without giving. Sometimes you simply have to love by FORgiving.

If you have the luxury of building a life inside of a committed relationship, than why not build on the other two pillars that bring happiness – sex and generosity?  The key to generosity, according to this study, was that the generous acts have to mean something to your mate. In other words, if your spouse loves a caramel latte, and you bring her black coffee, it won’t mean much. The point, as in all acts of Romance, is to express: You matter to me!

Tip: Husbands, if you want your wife to be more responsive – check your generosity levels. Are you helpful to take stress off of her so she can get in touch with her senses and become arousable? Do you take time to please her in bed, or is sex about getting your needs met? How do you even know when sex is over?

Tip: Wives, if you want to be irresistible, work on expressing love in a way that means something to your husband. For many of our guys, this means being open to giving and receiving love and pleasure sexually. This charges him up emotionally, but there are countless little ways in each relationship that generosity can build your love and your feelings of intimacy.

This concept of being more generous and more in tune with my husband’s desires has been stirring in me for awhile now. I just want to be better. I know his day job is extremely stressful right now and I want for him to be able to come home to a nice house and good food. These very domestic roles do not come naturally to me. Since I work from home, there are always more phone calls to make or return, emails to answer, articles to write and programs to create. They all represent precious people to me. If you love your work like I do, you understand this dilemma.

However, love says, “Shut it down.”  Put someone else’s pleasure above your own obsessions.

Generosity notices that Paul is out of half and half for tomorrow’s coffee. It notices that we are low on kale & grapes for that green smoothie he makes every morning.  I know a lot of these issues are easily forgiven “when the sex is great,” but still…I could recline on my bed in a tiny French Maid outfit – but if Paul has to trip over laundry baskets and clutter on his way to the bedroom, his first thoughts might be, “You’re fired!”

(Note to Self: Get the Sexy Sailor- Girl lingerie, not the French Maid outfit.)

All role-play jokes aside, there is a role I DO want to play well: The generous wife role. Sometimes I don’t get it quite right, but I’m working on it. Why? Because the connection is worth the effort.

How about you?

Are you a kind and generous lover? How can you be better? Leave your comments below, or hop on my Facebook page. I’d love to hear from you.

I believe in you!

Gina

Confession: I am not very romantic.

Fact: Neither is my husband, The Sailor.

I know this because recently while on vacation, we bought a book at the bookstore called 10001 Ways to be Romantic. That’s One THOUSAND and one ways, mind you. About 2 of them seemed like something we would actually do.

I bought it thinking it would inspire me to include a “Romance Tip,” each time I wrote. But I was uninspired. Instead I felt guilty, a little bit cynical, boring, and unimaginative. Perhaps this will help The Sailor be more romantic, and we’ll still come out ahead, I thought. That tender conversation went something like this:

Me: Did you read this book at all?

The Sailor (wrinkled nose): I hated it.

Oh dear. We are a mess. Why in the world then, do I write under the banner, Winning At Romance? Well, as the founder of Built To Win, I wanted to keep with the Winning theme and unfortunately, “Winning At Marriage” was already taken.

Besides, who in the world is the voice of “romance for the rest of us?” After all, I primarily represent the “low desire spouse” the majority of the time – and yet we’ve made it all into something lovely.

How beautiful to rise above the condemnation.

And today I looked again at my marriage.

Like a world champ boxer, our marriage has taken a few blows. Not every hour is all sunshine and rainbows. But we are so in love with each other. We laugh together and we have an amazing home life. We enjoy the rewards of the efforts of intimacy – spiritually, emotionally and physically. We stand with the prize: a trophy of grace and happiness. We are happy!

And here’s my takeaway:

“Romance” is any gesture you make that says, “You are important to me.”

Winning at Romance, means that your mate hears and receives your gestures. This includes sex and all the steamy beautiful moments wrapped up in the closeness. It also includes trips to the store to help each other out. It includes the way we make each-other comfortable at the countless baseball, tennis and volleyball games we attend to cheer on our kids.

It includes cooking and cleaning and all those tasks that I used to do with disgust. Disgust! Why in the world would I take an act of Romance and fill it with contempt? Because of all the meaning I chose to attach to it.

Perhaps the difference between romance and drudgery is the attitude with which we serve. It was Mother Theresa who said “We do not do great things. We only do small things with great love.”

Ask any mother who is famous for her great cooking. She will tell you her secret is, “I cook with love!”

When I was growing up, if we had spaghetti for dinner, the sauce simmered all day on the stove, filling the house with that great aroma, letting the tomatoes get sweet without silly fake corn syrup. The meatballs were always made from scratch. The green salad was always beautiful as was the accompanying broccoli and fresh-from-the-oven French bread. We sat down as a family.

I served spaghetti last night. Whoever was home grabbed the noodles out of the strainer in the sink, poured on some pasta sauce from the jar in the fridge and microwaved it. This was not very appetizing. I could have planned better. I could have cooked with love instead of haste. I could have made it an act of love instead of a chore.

Great news about love: It begets more love! It’s likes beautiful gratifying sex. It begets more beautiful, gratifying sex, even if in the beginning, we look at it like another chore. Instead we can view an opportunity to demonstrate love.

This week I am inspired to get out of my lazy zone and be intentional about the ways I demonstrate my love to The Sailor. Just telling him with my words, doesn’t mean much to him. He feels more loved when I speak his love languages – acts of service and physical touch.

Speaking his language because it means something to him, is a way of saying, “You matter to me.”

That indeed is winning at romance. I’ll close with the last words of 1,0001 Ways to Be Romantic by Gregory J.P. Godek:

“Love must be made real, brought alive in the world through action, thoughts, and deeds. In a word, romance.”

Please share your thoughts on the blog: Are you naturally “romantic?” What are some ways you demonstrate your love?

Check It Out:

If Romance eludes you, especially when it comes to your sex drive, than get The Sexy Marriage Solution. This is the key that turned this looooow desire spouse into one who is easily responsive and happy.

You are Sexier than you think:

Have you ever noticed that it is difficult to enjoy really great sex when you feel utterly unsexy? This is especially true for women. Scientists say that the human female, is the only species that gets aroused by her own pheromones. That’s just great. (or a little weird.) What it means to our sex life is that it helps to be in touch with our sexiness in order to enjoy it.

People laugh when they call my cell phone and hear the song, “I’m Sexy and I Know It.” (Well everyone laughs but my mother. She thinks it’s awful.) The point is that I want people to lighten up and tell themselves, “Hey, I AM sexy!”

Very often in our roles as wives, moms and money-earners, we don’t feel sexy. We just feel busy. Sometimes we feel overwhelmed. Sometimes we feel fat. Sometimes we feel afraid. Sometimes we feel stressed, tired and frustrated. In those moments, husbands, beware.

But what if we don’t want our husbands to always have to “beware?” What if we are tired of always being tired? How can we tap into our sexy side? And what’s the point of it anyway?

Well, the point, isn’t just “so you can have sex.” The point is to flow with the River of Life and abundance that is yours to enjoy. The point is to tap into love in all it’s forms: friendly and endearing, completely unselfish, and yes, erotic.

That love is so supernatural. It’s empowering. It’s transforming. It takes a stressed-out mom and makes her a joyful mother of children. It takes an agitated wife and makes her a queen in her castle. It takes a struggling entrepreneur and makes her a money magnet. It’s not just about sex. It’s about being sexy: beautiful, confident and flowing with creative, loving energy. That state of mind glorifies the Creator.

Okay, so how?

1. Let go of all the judgments and define beauty on your own terms.

Stop buying into the media’s or anyone else’s story of what’s beautiful. You are perfectly beautiful and lovely right now. Let your outward appearance reflect it.

2. Let go of resentment towards other people (especially the dude that climbs into bed with you.)

Yes, your feelings towards him are probably valid. And remarkably, he has feelings too. When you learn to remove the resentment and listen to each other on an emotional level, compassion often rises up where anger was before. Believe it or not, compassion towards your mate is sexually empowering.

3. Change your self-talk

Instead of telling yourself how busy, stressed and overwhelmed you are. Start saying how rich you are. (If you are reading this on a computer and you have change in your car ashtray, you are richer than 90% of the people on this planet!)

You are also rich in love, rich in talent, rich in resources. Everything in the whole world that you need to be happy, successful and spiritually connected to God is already yours. Where then is lack? It’s in your imagination!

4. Seek pleasure and expect it.

You were made for pleasure. God “richly gives us all things to enjoy.” What we focus on expands, so focus on things that look, sound, taste, smell and feel amazing. Gratitude  and power will rise up.

Your sex life was designed to bring bonding and pleasure. You have a clitoris with some 6,000 nerve endings all concentrated in a small place for no other reason than pleasure. That means you can fully, enjoy the naked, erotic connection with your man. Not only do you deserve to feel great, you were designed for it.

You are sexier than you think. Right now. Let your love life be a natural outflow of a life lived in love and abundance.  You’ll be glad you did.

Need help feeling sexy when it’s just not there?

Check Out the Free Video: The Sexy Marriage Solution

How to Restore Love when You’re Angry

We said last time that the secret to restoring love when you’re angry is to realize that the only person you can control is your self. You can ask for supernatural help to love someone who is striking you as very unlovely.

So, that’s all well and good, but where do we start?

1. Acknowledge your emotions so you can neutralize them.

All of the distressing emotions you have are real. They are valid. They mean something. They are your body’s way of trying to protect you. They go off like a siren in your head, with your heart thumping.

“It’s not safe here! Get out. Seek change. Fight. Freeze. Do something. Panic. Disengage. Fight some more. Mayday!”

These are all signals from your body but they come in response to your focus, your thoughts, beliefs, mental pictures and words.

It’s okay. Usually we hate the emotions so much that we run away rather than feel them. So the unproductive response says,

“Fight. Flee. Shop. Drink. Eat. Gamble. Freeze. Escape!”

But what we resist persists. So then we look back at the unresolved situation and articulate the painful triggers all over, all the while trying to escape the pain. We think the only way to make the pain go away is to make the spouse change. But that is incorrect.

The pain is neutralized when we accept it as if it were a child. What if the pain were a crying baby? You would comfort it. The pain just wants to be heard, validated. Remarkably, like everything else in the universe, pain is just energy.

Accept the pain. You’ll know you’ve accepted it when you feel calmness come over you. There’s such a thing as peace that transcends understanding. This is possibly not a one minute miracle, but a process.  Your hours of calmness get longer and longer and our hours of anger get shorter and shorter.

2. Renew Your Soul

True hope is called an anchor for the soul. You are never without hope. Let hope paint a picture of a heart filled with peace, joy and love.

In the famous words of Psalm 23 we read a secret to such renewal. This is from the God’s Word version. If you’ve read it a million times, read it like it’s the first time.

Psalm 23 – a psalm by David

 ¹The Lord is my shepherd.
   I am never in need.
    ²He makes me lie down in green pastures.
      He leads me beside peaceful waters.
    ³He renews my soul.
      He guides me along the paths of righteousness
         for the sake of his name.
 ⁴Even though I walk through the dark valley of death,
      because you are with me, I fear no harm.
         Your rod and your staff give me courage.

 ⁵You prepare a banquet for me while my enemies watch.
You anoint my head with oil.
   My cup overflows.

 ⁶Certainly, goodness and mercy will stay close to me all the days of my life,
   and I will remain in the Lord’s house for days without end.

Try meditating on these words instead of on your troubles. Say the words out loud. Say them over your soul. Say them as a prayer over you and your spouse.

“…You renew our souls.”

THAT is how you truly start to become soul-mates. Words are incredibly powerful. They create our reality.

3. Choose love

Many people assume that love is an emotion.

I’m convinced it is more of a force. It is not something we create. It’s something we tap into, by choice.

This love gives birth to faith and faith creates miracles.

Most people really don’t hate their spouse. They hate them selves. And they hate their spouse for bringing to light all the things they hate in themselves. That’s why love is the answer.

Real love flows from God to you, in you, through you around you, in everything. It’s like the ocean that engulfs a fish. It’s your natural environment.

Like a bird was meant to fly in the air, and a fish was meant to swim in the ocean, you were meant to live, move and have your being in love.  From that place of fullness, you have nothing to lose by loving your mate.

That love casts out the fear of the pain. That love sparkles with passion. That love is contagious.

Try it. You’ll find the champion inside yourself. That’s the one who can win under any pressure. We’re not talking about winning arguments and fights. No, a champion is one who controls his own state, who can see the best in himself and others and bring it out.

Assignment: Copy Psalm 23 onto a card or a document that you carry with yourself. Memorize it and pray it over yourself and your marriage every day for a week and see what happens.

Share your thoughts below: What are some ways that you move from anger to love?

I often get emails from spouses who are nearly insane with frustration in their marriage. Often they say their marriage looks like a happy one to others, but inside they are miserable. They articulate the insensitivity of their mate with very convincing arguments. They validate their fury. They list the ways they feel trapped, used and desperate. They long for love and passion. They wonder if it can be restored.

They want the pain to go away.

They want their mate to CHANGE, for God’s sake, to just DO the right thing. They need the selfishness to stop. They need the mind games to stop. They need more sex. They need more security. They need more adventure. They need more fun. They need more connection. They need, they need, they need.

If you’ve never felt such anger and frustration, then you are either really blessed, or really bored. I don’t know. But you can be thankful.

What I do know is this:

Our spouse’s actions will always be beyond our control. Therein lies the pressure.

PRESSURE IS PART OF LIFE

I make part of my living helping peak performers excel under pressure. The biggest key to their success always involves letting go of control and tapping into their “love of the game.”

This can’t just happen on some mental level. The conflict is vibrating in every cell of their body.

You see, I can’t control my spouse’s actions any more than a pitcher can control whether or not a hitter will hit what he throws.

A pitcher could get attached to the outcome, but it would ruin his game. This works in marriage too.

I can’t control my spouse’s actions any more than a stock trader can control the massive beast called the market. Whoa to the trader who tries. He who is convinced he is smarter than the beast, soon blows up his account and loses everything. He must learn to adjust his response to what happens on every trade.

Secret #1: ALL I CAN CONTROL IS MY SELF

“BUT I’M GOING INSANE HERE!!!”

Yes. I hear that. You want something and don’t have it.

“BUT I DESERVE IT! IT’S MY RIGHT. IT’S MINE, MINE, MINE. THEY’RE NOT KEEPING THEIR VOWS.”

Yes, that’s quite dishonorable, but still outside our control.

The solution, contrary to what you believe is NOT to get your spouse to do what you want.

THE SOLUTION STARTS BY CHOOSING A HIGHER PERSPECTIVE

Tap into love and watch yourself with no judgment. That’s coming up higher.

Someone has to love first. Sometimes someone has to love first in mundane, ordinary existence. Sometimes someone has to love first when it feels impossible and tempers are flaring. The only way I know to do that, is to step into supernatural love. I don’t have it in my flesh and chances are you don’t either.

But when I come up higher, it’s like snow skiing in Washington State on a cloudy winter day.

All you see is grey sky until you get to the slopes up high. Then somehow you are above the clouds, the sun is shining and the snow is dazzling. The beauty is breathtaking, and just at the base of the mountain it was a dreary cloudy day. There’s unbelievable power in coming up higher. It changes your perspective. It unleashes passion where before there was just a desire to escape.

It can start with a prayer, “Dear God, show me what you see in this situation and love through me, because my vision is cloudy and my human love is all used up.”

In part 2, we’ll talk about practical steps to take to handle the negative emotions that derail us from a powerful love life. Until then please share your thoughts:

What do you do when you realize that your anger is not constructively working for you?