Can’t Remember the Last Time You Had Sex?

by Gina Parris

A Note from Gina:

Today’s post is written by our marriage-intimacy panelist, Julie Sibert. I always enjoy sharing her wisdom with you and as always, she has some great tips today!



Can’t Remember the Last Time You Had Sex?

By Julie Sibert

My husband and I were chatting the other day that it had “been awhile” since we last had sex.

In fact, we weren’t quite sure how long it had been. A week? Two weeks? Three weeks?! (All of which would be long dry-spells for us).

I recognize that some of you reading this are already rolling your eyes. “That’s a dry-spell?! What then have we been in? A 100-year drought?!”

Bear with me. I do have a point.

Ever feel like the days just roll into one another and it’s hard to know where one day ends and the other begins? Yeah, me too.

Take a sleep-deprived married couple, throw in some sticky-faced youngsters, add 3-4 piles of laundry, and sprinkle it all with some financial stress and a smattering of monotonous daily tasks.


It’s your average American household on any given day.

“Time for sex? What’s that?” says the blurry-eyed mom who was up till 1 a.m. gluing popsicle-stick frames for the grade-schooler’s class party.

(Is it just me or does the craft project described on the volunteer sign-up sheet lose all appeal when you’re preparing it the night before it’s due?).

Suffice to say, “time for sex” can begin to feel like that one sock that is always mysteriously missing – you know it exists out there somewhere, but you’re just not sure where.“Will we ever get it back?! Where could it possibly have gone?”

The irony to all this, of course, is that singing the praises of sex in marriage (and blogging about it) is kind of my thing. I’m like a poster girl for nurtured sexual intimacy.

And my husband and I really do like sex.

So why the dry spell in our sexual activity?

Well, because life happens, and even two people who love their sexual intimacy can become sidetracked by the wave of demands on their time and energy.

I’m not making excuses for couples pushing their sexual intimacy to the bottom of the priority list. I’m simply aiming a spotlight on something that few people really want to acknowledge – nurtured intimacy takes on-going attention.

It’s not like you can decide in one fleeting moment that “sex is important,” and then never have to repeat that same decision continuously over the course of your marriage.

Many people head into marriage exactly that way, though.

When they say “I do,” they agree that sex is a part of the deal. But when it comes down to actually living that part of marriage, many couples find themselves at an impasse.

The promise to regularly share each other’s bodies begins to feel like a contract technicality they are perpetually trying to negotiate. “There’s gotta be a loophole in here somewhere, right? What did I actually agree to?! Is there fine print I should have read?”

Thankfully, there is no loophole.

No easy out.

Marriage brings with it tremendous opportunity and responsibility (I like to think sex falls into both categories). When sex no longer is even a blip on the radar, damage is done to the one relationship that most needs to be protected and fortified.

And the truth is that even people who have learned to treasure their intimacy still must intentionally walk in that direction (or get back on that path when they’ve drifted off it).

If you are someone whose marriage hasn’t seen sex since the Bush administration (George W. or, dare I say, George H.W.), then getting back on track may seem downright impossible.

At this point you may be thinking, “Gee, does anyone have a preschooler’s craft project I can prepare? I’d rather do that than figure out what’s messed up in my sex life.”

I hear you, because whether your “drought” has been two weeks or two years or longer, complacency sure has a way of setting up residence in… well… your residence.

But let’s focus on the benefits, because sex has ample benefits.

For one, it makes you nicer toward each other.

Think I’m crazy? Well, run a little experiment.

With a compassionate attitude, willingly have sex 2-3 times a week for the next 3 weeks. Key is you need to have a good attitude. Chalk it up to an experiment if you want, but do it with a gracious heart. “All in the name of research,” you tell yourself.

Set the time aside and just enjoy each other’s bodies. Learn a few new things along the way. Talk. Really talk. Spend more time on foreplay. Passionately kiss longer. Remind yourself that this is the person you fell in love with and want to stay in love with.

If you do this for 2-3 times a week for the next 3 weeks, I’m guessing you’ll start to remember why sex is a vital part of marriage. You may even find yourself saying, “Drought? What drought? I don’t remember any drought.”

As for all the stuff of life that you feel may not get done when you’re spending all this time having sex, trust me – it will all be okay.

You’re never going to find that lost sock anyway. Just stop looking.

Julie Sibert writes and speaks on sexual intimacy in marriage. She blogs regularly at her site at, and can also be found on Facebook at and on Twitter @Intimacy4Life. She lives in Omaha, Nebraska, with her husband Randall, their two sons and one German Shorthair Pointer dog who refuses to stay in the fence.

For Five Keys to Really Great Sex Tonight, Even if You’re NOT in the Mood, grab Gina’s free audio and the transcript – right here:



Gina Parris is an international speaker, performance coach, wife, mother of four, and a champion for the Sexy Marriage. She is dedicated to helping people heal their sexual and relational issues. Throughout the past 28 years, Gina has served on staff of several large churches and encouraged thousands of people -privately, in groups, through television, radio and other media. She also speaks to organizations on topics dealing with home and work balance. Gina combines the best of Sports Psychology, Energy Therapy and Biblical promises to help people enjoy a Love Life marked by victory.

Free Audio - Five Keys to Great Sex Tonight - even if you're NOT in Mood.


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