Have I mentioned lately how much I love, love, LOVE my Winning at Romance Readers? Well, you’re hearing it again! Anyway, I want to apologize for not being true to myself yesterday and using a phrase that could be misleading.
You see…
Yesterday I wrote a blog post and email about creating an “Affair-proof” marriage. I stuck that phrase into the document at the last minute and my dear reader, Shula from SensuousWife.com wrote me a kind and critical email in response.
With her permission, I’m sharing her letter and my response and hope that we can have some dialogue about this subject:
Dear Gina,
Some time over a cup of coffee, I’d like to tell you why I have an issue with the phrase “Affair-Proof Marriage”. We do the right thing (pursue our spouse and forsake all others) because we love God and because it’s just the right thing to do. But there is no guarantee. There is no “proof” that if we do the right thing then our spouse will also choose to do the right thing. To sell people the idea of “Affair Proof” if I do A, I’ll get B does them a disservice.
We do the right thing toward our spouse because we love the Lord and we live for His approval alone.
The only “proof” in life is the guarantee that if we love the Lord and live before him, our choices matter to Jesus, and when we do the right thing and persevere under fire it brings joy to his heart.
That’s the only guarantee.
That’s differentiation.
We behave toward our spouse in a way that when we lay our head on the pillow at night we can be proud of ourselves and we can know that God is proud of us–whether or not our spouse responded to us the way we hoped they would.
I have lived this out.
I know this is true.
I’m not trying to discourage you or to leave you with a feeling of having been criticized. I believe your motives are nothing but love and a desire for your readers to have a great outcome. The content of your article is spot on.
Does what I said make sense to you?
Dear Shula,
Thank you so much for taking the time to write. Not only do your thoughts make perfect sense, you shared them with such a gracious heart.
I owe you and my readers an apology, and I’m glad you pointed this out. Here’s why:
1. I wrote this newsletter to address issues that I keep seeing among people I care about. Felt pretty good about my insights.
2. I got home from an event and realized that I had to get the document off to my assistant to have her format it and post it, and I had no title or subject line, and it was getting to be my bedtime. (and it was already a day late!)
3. In haste, I used the phrase “affair-proof” because it seemed to encapsulate an idea that people are looking for, and I felt like it was descriptive enough to inspire people to check it out.
4. In doing so, I over-rode my own aversion to the term “affair-proof” because I am very much aware that as you say, there are NO guarantees in life, love, or even parenting for that matter. And really, I dislike the idea of anything that makes promises that are unrealistic.
So let’s have a dialogue:
- Is there such thing as a totally “affair-proof” marriage?
I would say “not really.” -especially in an age where people grow up completely used to having partner after partner before they got married. But even in the best circumstances, emotions and behavior can spiral out of control in either direction (away from a mate and towards someone else) We also each have the power of free will. However, I have to believe that true Love never fails. This means that no matter what happens there is a love that is strong enough to help me prevail.
- Do we love our spouse in order to please God or ourselves?
Not everyone who reads Winning at Romance shares the view that God’s love is the answer here, but I can personally say this:
If it were not for my love for the Lord and my fear of God, there is no way I would still be in love with Mr. Parris all these decades after “I do.” Instead, I would have spoken all the horrible things that have crossed my mind when I’ve been hurt & angry, I may have acted on the opportunities that presented themselves with other men, and I would wallow in a world of selfishness.
(disclaimer – sometimes I still find myself utterly selfish. Yuck!)
Instead, I live to hear The Redeemer say, “Well done Gina, you are a woman after my own heart.”
So, in the spirit of pleasing God, I follow the steps I outlined in Friday’s post, and I trust the process. Having no guarantees in life and love is part of the exhilaration of walking by faith. One guarantee I do cling to though, is that I will never, ever walk alone.
So Winning Readers, what do you say about marriage, fidelity and the ability to be affair-proof? What is possible? I care about your thoughts.
Please share them below:
Is Affair-proof a myth?
As always, I absolutely believe in you!
Gina
P.S. I still think Texting the Romance Back is a fun idea! (If you can get past the marathon of a “movie” on the sales page.)
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