Guest post by Corey Allan, Ph.D

A note from Gina: I asked my friend Corey Allan to share on this topic as he is truly a professional in marriage and family counseling. I can’t say enough about how important your home life is to your success in everything else. If there is anyplace where we really want to play to win it is in this most intimate relationship! I highly recommend Corey’s new program – for Adults Only – at his website below. Enjoy!

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What’s one of the biggest obstacles to experiencing intimacy in marriage?

More often than not, the answer is unrealistic togetherness expectations. Stated another way, idealized or fantasy togetherness. Before you hurl your objections my way, hear me out.

Let’s start with the definition of expectations – for our purposes, we’re going to define expectations as planned disappointments.

What expectations did you bring into your marriage? We all have them. Here’s a list of common ones:

1. You want a relationship with your partner that is

– just like the family you grew up in (denying the reality of weaknesses in your family of origin)

– or nothing like the family you grew up in (denying the reality of strengths in your family of origin)

2. You want your partner to make up for the damage you experienced in your family of origin either

– by providing what you did not get

– acceptance, validation, approval, security etc. OR

– by accepting your extremes (clinging or distancing) without requiring you to mature

3. You want to feel loved, accepted, and appreciated for your uniqueness and you expect to feel safe and cherished

– Romantic love should make everything right with the world

– If he/she truly loved me, he/she would understand my needs and wants and know what to say or do to meet my needs and wants

4. My partner wants the same things from our relationship that I want, so if I give him/her what I want, he/she will give it back to me

– A “GIVE TO GET” relationship

Answer me this: How often do you give up or rearrange self for the sake of connection and/or intimacy?

A far too common belief about intimacy is an expectation of partner trust and reciprocal disclosure as a requirement for deeper levels of intimacy.

Does safety (i.e. trust) as a requirement for intimacy, foster true self-disclosure? Or does it foster self-presentation?

What’s the difference you ask?

Self disclosure is exactly what is sounds like – a revealing of yourself, be it thoughts, beliefs, ideas, reactions – in the presence of another person. But true self disclosure also involves a bit more. It involves a willingness to reveal myself to another AND take responsibility for myself in relationship with them. Tell me if this sounds like self disclosure:

I feel abandoned when you tell me you’re going to do something with your friends and I’m not invited to join.

On the surface this sounds like self disclosure – but it’s not. This is more like a manipulation than a disclosure. I’ll tell you about my abandoned feelings in hopes that you’ll change so I don’t feel abandoned.

True self disclosure would go more like:

When you tell me you’re going to do something with your friends and not me I feel scared because I don’t feel good enough about myself nor do I feel strong enough within myself to be alright without you. Consequently, I want to respond to my fear by controlling you and forcing you to stay and do things with me whether you want to or not, so I don’t have to deal with my fears and own inadequacies.

Is self disclosure safe within any relationship? That’s not a guarantee beforehand. What’s revealed could be used against you. But self disclosure presents the opportunity to get to know yourself in the presence of your spouse.

Self presentation, on the other hand, is the portrayal of what you think your partner wants to encounter, or what you think the situation calls for – it’s not a revealing of yourself.

Many people state that they’re interested in intimate relationships or that they want more intimacy in their marriage – here’s a few things to know about intimacy and intimacy expectations:

* Intimacy is just as likely to be disconcerting and uncomfortable as it is to be warm and fuzzy.
* Obsession with intimacy leads to less satisfying relationships
* People who pursue only intimate relationships limit the pleasure and freedom of less demanding relationships
* Seeking understanding is often a demand for your partner to understand you the way you understand yourself
o “Accept me the way that I am”
o Asking partner for validation of your inaccurate self-portrait
o Demanding that your partner understand what you yourself haven’t figured out about you

Many times the complaint about lack of intimacy is actually the inability to tolerate the intense awareness of self and/or other.

When your partner tells you that they have no interest in travel, knowing full well that you love to travel, what happens to you? Do you feel rejected and unloved? Do you appreciate your partner’s willingness to tell you who he/she is, whether you like it or not? Do you immediately plan to give up travel . . . or get a new partner?

What about a third option – you can accept that your partner is not you, and you can both love your partner, and love to travel.

Marriage presents countless opportunities for self disclosure due to the differences between you and your mate. But a truly intimate relationship only occurs when you show up with the real you. It’s a leap of faith, yes, but it’s the only pathway to true intimacy.


Corey Allan, Ph.D.
http://www.simplemarriage.net

How about some marriage Jam Sessions? Laid back – professional insight to help you navigate your marriage with success!  SIMPLE MARRIAGE JAM SESSIONS

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Gina Parris